Musings

I feel as much as I think. I do both excessively.

Category: Happy tales of the heart

I stayed

by avrillorenzo

I am finally writing about this because it’s been difficult moving on from this, but it’s been a long while since I did. I’m just writing about this now because we talked about it today and we found peace. Last year, he cheated on me. It’s not what you think, he didn’t sleep with her. He just tried with another girl only to prove that I’m the only one. Weird way of confirming that, right? If you really felt like you found the one, why would you try with someone else?

It all started when I had to work while studying at the same time. It was a pretty hard time for the family. My whole family suffered the onslaught of typhoon Yolanda way back 2013. And just as we were recovering from the damage and trauma, our house caught fire a year later. It was a really trying time for my family last year, what with my dad not having a stable job and my mom shouldering everything. Because of this, I had to find a way to support myself while on my last year at University. I didn’t get a part-time job. Nope, it was full-time and a night shift job, 21h until 6h. I only had one subject that semester, EL 199. But that didn’t make it easy with that being a subject for thesis.

Apart from all the fatigue, it took a toll on our relationship. He hated that he had to fall asleep without me on the other end of the line. He hated that by 21h, I would be hard to reach. I even blogged about how our situation rendered me tired. He hated that I wasn’t there… and she was. That’s how it all started.

I can’t go into detail about all of this because I have chosen to forget about it. Not because he asked me to, but rather to help myself. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Their affair went on for 3 weeks. And every day of those three weeks, I wanted to leave. There were times when all I needed was one more step out the door, but he’d pull me back, crying and begging on his knees for me to stay. You can’t imagine the pain that I went through, carrying both mine and his during those times when he pleaded so much for me to give him one more chance with tears in his eyes. And it wasn’t just one time. It was a struggle because I felt like I had to choose, his pain or mine. There were times when I chose his and times when I chose mine.

Weeks, even months went by when we would end the day both tired and in tears, fighting over the same thing. I would relapse and he would try his best to help me get back to the present but he’d be taken to where I was and stop for a bit. He’d cry and tell me that he was more than his mistake and he’d ask me once more to focus on us, bringing us both back to the present with arms wrapped around each other.

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He tried, tries still to prove to me how much he regretted it. He continuously makes up for everything even though I’ve already forgiven him. He’d tell me how sure he was now that I’m the only one, the only one he wants and needs.
“It has been and will always be you.”
To be honest, I didn’t believe him before. And he knew I didn’t with every ‘I love you’ unreturned. It just didn’t make sense. He asked me not to make sense of it because it never mattered. It took a while, but I started believing in him again and I am now in awe of how he’s even more sincere with us, with me.

So here I am, still with him and happy. I have finally decided to focus on us which made it easier to leave the past behind. We’ve had it hard, what with people not believing in us anymore. But all that matters is our choice to be happy with each other and love each other better and more honestly. How a relationship ends up is all a matter of choice. And everything that happened between then and now were a series of choices which led us to where we are.

He chose to tell me the complete truth of how much of a mistake it was.

I chose to hear him out but not listen.

He chose to keep fighting for me even though I was letting go.

I chose to forgive.

He chose to build a better world for us.

I chose to stay.

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Finalement

by avrillorenzo

Looking out to a crappy view of buildings blocking the sky at twilight, I stand on a stool behind you, with my arms wrapped around your neck. You are tall. “The only reason,” you start, “that I’m not asking you is because it was your birthday yesterday.” I shake my head. What does it matter really? My birthday yesterday, us today. “As long as we celebrate both separately, I’m okay with it.” You turn to face me, your face seemingly like a shadow with the light behind you. The room is dark. It takes me a couple of seconds before I get a better glimpse of your face. But then you hug me. I can feel it, with your lips pressed on my shoulder ; the words are there on the tip of your tongue, my heart starts to dance. You pull away, I cradle your face with my hands. You are divine. “I want you to be my girlfriend.” The look in your eyes made me want to cry. “Then ask me.” You look at me different, my heart stops. Everything is quiet and your lips start to move. “Will you be my girlfriend?” I lean in, you meet me halfway. I feel the tremble on your lips, and I think you feel the tremble of my knees.

“Yes.”

The crappy view, the dancing heart, the trembling knees : You are perfect. We are divine. I am tall.

20 février 2015
18h30
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The scary thing about perfection.

by avrillorenzo

You called me perfect and it scared me.

I fail to find the perfection that you claim I am. But you argue that I’m perfect for you and it scared me. Sleeping on it made me realize that. I don’t want to be perfect for you. I don’t want to be perfect at all. But worst of all, I don’t want to be perfect for you.

Everybody strives to be perfect, one way or another. There’s nothing more satisfying than to be told that you’re perfect with something. Perfection is possible with one thing, but not everything. Tangible evidence? Perfect test scores, perfect run of a dance routine, perfect output or report.. Perfection is possible, but perfection is subjective. It is never a natural thing. There are factors that lead to such a state and it’s very much dependent on the person who does it and the person who sees it. It’s all based on standards and preferences.

So why am I scared of being perfect for you when it’s such a good thing that I meet your standards and preferences? Because no matter how satisfying and amazing it is to be perfect for you, I don’t want that. I want to be imperfect. It may be that I am what you’re looking for, but I also want to be something you aren’t looking for. I want you to acknowledge my flaws and consider them as flaws. I need you to see the ugly side of me and understand that it will always be there.

Another thing… I think being perfect for you is selfish. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t. You see, for me it’s as if being perfect is unfair for you in a sense that there isn’t a ‘you’ in the reason why you love me. I’m not sure how I can explain this better but let me try. I would prefer it if the reason why you loved me is because of how I make you feel, not with how I meet your standards. I’m not sure if it’s right to claim that as selfishness, but I feel selfish if you love me because I’m perfect for you. It’s all me, no us in the mix. I can’t articulate myself properly but I hope I got my point across. If not, then consider this an imperfection then: failing to articulate and rationalize a claim.

After all that I’ve said, the real reason why being perfect for you scares me is that perfect is boring. There’s nothing more to me because I’ve already met your standards, I’m exactly what you prefer. There’s nowhere to go from that. Excitement is lost as well. There’s no thrill in being perfect for you. And it scares me that you’ll end up getting tired of me because of that. I don’t want you to get tired of me. I would like it if you keep finding flaws and have them become endearing to you. I would like it if you see my imperfections yet fall in love with them still. Because I have a lot of flaws, so that means that you’ll keep falling in love with me.

That statement sounds selfish but it’s the truth. I would know because I keep finding something about you that veers away from my standards of perfection and I keep loving you more for it.

I keep falling even more for you.