Selfish (Old Post ; March 29, 2014)

by avrillorenzo

He told me that it was unfair… Unfair that I’m not how I used to be; that how I am now with him is not how I was with the ones before him. He said it so bitterly that I had to furrow my brows together. I didn’t, don’t understand how that was unfair. Why would he want the old me? The sad, pathetic, clingy, dependent, desperate, and did I mention pathetic me? I personally believe that I am an upgrade from how I was before. Well for one, I know better. Then the rest is the whole cliché thing where I learned from my mistakes with the ones I was with before him. I know better, I feel better. No matter what will happen, I’ll still have my sanity in check.

I’ve never mulled over it ’til now because how I explained it to him was, dare I say it, romantic. And it was the right thing to say at that time, plus it was very logical. I asked him, “If that’s unfair, then would you rather have the me who was (insert ex’s name here)’s?” That made him understand and accept me better. He understands me better now. That’s a good thing.. Because at least one of us does.

Just a few minutes ago, something occurred to me that made the whole situation clearer for me. I didn’t understand how that was unfair until now. It’s unfair because he has seen how I was when I was with you. He saw how you were my world and I acted like it. He saw how it was possible for me to smile so much because of you. He saw how I loved you better every waking day when we were together. He saw me when I was whole.. And it was all because of you. All you.

I understand better now… because I feel like I’ll never be that way again. I see how that’s unfair.

Notes :

Me to Owen about Kevin.