Musings

I feel as much as I think. I do both excessively.

Month: May, 2016

I stayed

by avrillorenzo

I am finally writing about this because it’s been difficult moving on from this, but it’s been a long while since I did. I’m just writing about this now because we talked about it today and we found peace. Last year, he cheated on me. It’s not what you think, he didn’t sleep with her. He just tried with another girl only to prove that I’m the only one. Weird way of confirming that, right? If you really felt like you found the one, why would you try with someone else?

It all started when I had to work while studying at the same time. It was a pretty hard time for the family. My whole family suffered the onslaught of typhoon Yolanda way back 2013. And just as we were recovering from the damage and trauma, our house caught fire a year later. It was a really trying time for my family last year, what with my dad not having a stable job and my mom shouldering everything. Because of this, I had to find a way to support myself while on my last year at University. I didn’t get a part-time job. Nope, it was full-time and a night shift job, 21h until 6h. I only had one subject that semester, EL 199. But that didn’t make it easy with that being a subject for thesis.

Apart from all the fatigue, it took a toll on our relationship. He hated that he had to fall asleep without me on the other end of the line. He hated that by 21h, I would be hard to reach. I even blogged about how our situation rendered me tired. He hated that I wasn’t there… and she was. That’s how it all started.

I can’t go into detail about all of this because I have chosen to forget about it. Not because he asked me to, but rather to help myself. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Their affair went on for 3 weeks. And every day of those three weeks, I wanted to leave. There were times when all I needed was one more step out the door, but he’d pull me back, crying and begging on his knees for me to stay. You can’t imagine the pain that I went through, carrying both mine and his during those times when he pleaded so much for me to give him one more chance with tears in his eyes. And it wasn’t just one time. It was a struggle because I felt like I had to choose, his pain or mine. There were times when I chose his and times when I chose mine.

Weeks, even months went by when we would end the day both tired and in tears, fighting over the same thing. I would relapse and he would try his best to help me get back to the present but he’d be taken to where I was and stop for a bit. He’d cry and tell me that he was more than his mistake and he’d ask me once more to focus on us, bringing us both back to the present with arms wrapped around each other.

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He tried, tries still to prove to me how much he regretted it. He continuously makes up for everything even though I’ve already forgiven him. He’d tell me how sure he was now that I’m the only one, the only one he wants and needs.
“It has been and will always be you.”
To be honest, I didn’t believe him before. And he knew I didn’t with every ‘I love you’ unreturned. It just didn’t make sense. He asked me not to make sense of it because it never mattered. It took a while, but I started believing in him again and I am now in awe of how he’s even more sincere with us, with me.

So here I am, still with him and happy. I have finally decided to focus on us which made it easier to leave the past behind. We’ve had it hard, what with people not believing in us anymore. But all that matters is our choice to be happy with each other and love each other better and more honestly. How a relationship ends up is all a matter of choice. And everything that happened between then and now were a series of choices which led us to where we are.

He chose to tell me the complete truth of how much of a mistake it was.

I chose to hear him out but not listen.

He chose to keep fighting for me even though I was letting go.

I chose to forgive.

He chose to build a better world for us.

I chose to stay.

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Of Crickets and Sunsets

by avrillorenzo

A set of stone tables lined

beside an old building.

18 years old.

At 4:30 in the afternoon,

if you happen to pass by,

you’ll see her.

Earphones plugged on each ear.

Sitting alone.

Notebook out, pen in hand, writing

and constantly looking

at her watch.

I passed by once.

I saw her. Then

I sat at a far corner,

somehow intrigued.

I watched as she scribbled

furiously on her notebook

as the sun sets to her

left. Shadows of people

passing didn’t seem to

faze her. Once in a while,

she would look up

and around.

The lush greens

were tainted with the orange rays of the sun.

I hoped to be bored soon,

but I found myself counting

the times she would look

at her watch or look

up and around.

Slowly, the sky turned orange.

Then pink.

Then mauve.

Then slightly velvet blue.

And as I sat there,

serenaded by the crickets

and caressed by mosquitoes

which died when they did so,

I watched her

slowly packing her things.

I stood up, the same time

she did, but I sat back down.

Because she looked over to her

left, breathed deeply

and bid the sun goodbye

when it was already gone.

She

left.

And as I sat there,

alone and smelling

the remnants of sunset,

I realized I’ve been thinking of

her as often as the

crickets sing.

Selfish (Old Post ; March 29, 2014)

by avrillorenzo

He told me that it was unfair… Unfair that I’m not how I used to be; that how I am now with him is not how I was with the ones before him. He said it so bitterly that I had to furrow my brows together. I didn’t, don’t understand how that was unfair. Why would he want the old me? The sad, pathetic, clingy, dependent, desperate, and did I mention pathetic me? I personally believe that I am an upgrade from how I was before. Well for one, I know better. Then the rest is the whole cliché thing where I learned from my mistakes with the ones I was with before him. I know better, I feel better. No matter what will happen, I’ll still have my sanity in check.

I’ve never mulled over it ’til now because how I explained it to him was, dare I say it, romantic. And it was the right thing to say at that time, plus it was very logical. I asked him, “If that’s unfair, then would you rather have the me who was (insert ex’s name here)’s?” That made him understand and accept me better. He understands me better now. That’s a good thing.. Because at least one of us does.

Just a few minutes ago, something occurred to me that made the whole situation clearer for me. I didn’t understand how that was unfair until now. It’s unfair because he has seen how I was when I was with you. He saw how you were my world and I acted like it. He saw how it was possible for me to smile so much because of you. He saw how I loved you better every waking day when we were together. He saw me when I was whole.. And it was all because of you. All you.

I understand better now… because I feel like I’ll never be that way again. I see how that’s unfair.

Notes :

Me to Owen about Kevin.