I can’t breathe.
There just too much going on and I’m having a hard time. I know I sound like I’m just whining and complaining like a wuss because other people have it harder than I do. But does that really take away my right to find things difficult? I’m just gonna stop worrying about that because I can’t handle it anymore.
I’m so tired.
I’m scared my thesis won’t pull through. Fuck, we haven’t even started and yet I’m already worried about this. I really like my proposed topic, but don’t know how to go about it. I’ve been reading, jumping from one proponent to another, and yet I’m still lost. There’s just so much pressure because this is my second and LAST chance with it. If I don’t pass, my life is ruined… and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle that.
I started working recently. My only problem with it is time, it takes up too much of it. I guess I really couldn’t complain since the work is helping out with financial situations that I and my family are going through. But time is of the essence, all things considering; especially thesis and him. I make time. I distribute it evenly and make the most of it. But I feel like it’s not enough. He feels upset that we don’t get to spend time as much as we did before this whole fiasco. I do too. Dear God, I wish it was like before. I felt free, I had time, I felt like I can do a lot of things. But this reality is just getting so hard to face and I feel like I’m slowly losing grip of the only one who’s keeping me together.
We’ve been fighting a lot recently, crying. I lose sleep over it which is terrible because of how much of it I lose already. It’s just getting so hard to keep things together and I’m starting to feel alone. I’m not strong and I’m slowly losing it. My eyes hurt, my heart aches and I want to sleep but I can’t. I hate how whenever I make time, a bit of it is spent with us being upset or pissed. Why can’t we make the most out of it? I understand how he feels, really I do. Because if our roles were switched, if he was the one who had too much on his plate which would mean less time for me, I’d be damn upset too. But I would choose to make the most of the time that he’s going to give me. I’ll make sure that every time he’s with me, he’ll find his strength again. I’ll be his reminder that I can do it. I’ll be the one to tell him that it’s all okay. Even though it saddens me that he won’t have that much time for me like he used to, I won’t let that take over when I’m with him. He’s already having it hard as it is, why would I add to that? But that’s me, not him. I love who he is, how he is. But right now I’m having difficulty being strong enough for the both of us.
I can’t breathe.