The scary thing about perfection.
You called me perfect and it scared me.
I fail to find the perfection that you claim I am. But you argue that I’m perfect for you and it scared me. Sleeping on it made me realize that. I don’t want to be perfect for you. I don’t want to be perfect at all. But worst of all, I don’t want to be perfect for you.
Everybody strives to be perfect, one way or another. There’s nothing more satisfying than to be told that you’re perfect with something. Perfection is possible with one thing, but not everything. Tangible evidence? Perfect test scores, perfect run of a dance routine, perfect output or report.. Perfection is possible, but perfection is subjective. It is never a natural thing. There are factors that lead to such a state and it’s very much dependent on the person who does it and the person who sees it. It’s all based on standards and preferences.
So why am I scared of being perfect for you when it’s such a good thing that I meet your standards and preferences? Because no matter how satisfying and amazing it is to be perfect for you, I don’t want that. I want to be imperfect. It may be that I am what you’re looking for, but I also want to be something you aren’t looking for. I want you to acknowledge my flaws and consider them as flaws. I need you to see the ugly side of me and understand that it will always be there.
Another thing… I think being perfect for you is selfish. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t. You see, for me it’s as if being perfect is unfair for you in a sense that there isn’t a ‘you’ in the reason why you love me. I’m not sure how I can explain this better but let me try. I would prefer it if the reason why you loved me is because of how I make you feel, not with how I meet your standards. I’m not sure if it’s right to claim that as selfishness, but I feel selfish if you love me because I’m perfect for you. It’s all me, no us in the mix. I can’t articulate myself properly but I hope I got my point across. If not, then consider this an imperfection then: failing to articulate and rationalize a claim.
After all that I’ve said, the real reason why being perfect for you scares me is that perfect is boring. There’s nothing more to me because I’ve already met your standards, I’m exactly what you prefer. There’s nowhere to go from that. Excitement is lost as well. There’s no thrill in being perfect for you. And it scares me that you’ll end up getting tired of me because of that. I don’t want you to get tired of me. I would like it if you keep finding flaws and have them become endearing to you. I would like it if you see my imperfections yet fall in love with them still. Because I have a lot of flaws, so that means that you’ll keep falling in love with me.
That statement sounds selfish but it’s the truth. I would know because I keep finding something about you that veers away from my standards of perfection and I keep loving you more for it.
I keep falling even more for you.