A letter to no one not in particular.
Hi there. I don’t know if you still remember me. You probably do, but I’m more of the ‘that girl’ said in such a passive tone in your present state of mind. How are you? And no, I don’t actually want to know because I pretty much can see how you are. Wait. Before you claim that I’m being too hasty about my assumptions and judgements about you, do acknowledge that I am unstable. Yes, that’s pretty much it. Oh, and don’t worry, I’m not saying that you’re probably miserable and all the crappy feels in the world. You actually seem okay. I hear you’re happy. That’s a good thing. And yes, I am lying.
I am actually upset that you’re happy. It’s not that I am saying that you don’t have the right to be happy. Nope, not at all. It’s just that you’re happy and I’m not. Between the both of us, I should be the one who deserves all of the happiness in the world. But no, you can’t always get what you want, even happiness. Sure, people would say that you need to move your ass to be happy, not just lounge about and wait for it to come. You need to deserve to be happy. But doesn’t that contradict the popular saying, ‘everybody deserves to be happy’. If I were to be spiteful, I’d say that you don’t deserve it. Nope, zippo, nada. You don’t deserve to be happy after all the bullshit, crappy awful feelings that you made another person feel. But if I were to be honest, I can’t say that.
Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am not over it yet.
Yes, I still love you. And I hate it.
Yes, I am lying.
About what? I don’t know.
But I actually do, and you’re probably assuming what it is I’m lying about. I’ll let you do what you want, since that’s all that I’ve been doing ever since I met you.
Okay, I admit. I let you take all the control between us and that bored your right away. That made you see that I wasn’t worth it. GOD THIS PISSES ME OFF. You always made me question my worth. How do you do that? Why do you still have this power over me? Why can’t you just.. Why can’t I just disappear? — See, this is your doing! I can’t blame you for anything! I defend you almost every chance that I get. Yes, I would say crap about you but then I’d counter the claim by telling stories of how great you are. Why? WHy? WHY?!
Why do I have to love you like this?
I hope to hear from you soon. But of course I won’t because this stupid letter is a blog entry and you have no idea of its existence. And it’s pretty crappy so nobody would see and read it because it’s incomplete and incoherent and just downright pathetic.
I miss you.