Musings

I feel as much as I think. I do both excessively.

Month: January, 2013

Maligned. Vilified. Defamed.

by avrillorenzo

I am officially taking back everything that I said about you: the stories, the excuses, and all the crappy praise that I gave you. I take all of them back because I am seriously disgusted with myself that I ever said those things in regard to you. You, who everybody thinks is all nice and butterflies and sunflowers when you’re actually full of damp-garbage shit.

You bloody, mother fucking asshole. How fucking dare you? You had no damn right to say shit about me. Seriously, you had no right at all. And you had to talk shit about me to people who did not ever exist when we were together? Sure, you probably were seeking comfort or advice or whatever shit that would make you feel better about yourself.. But to have to say unnecessary things about me, us? Bull-mother fucking-shit.

I’m not going to act clean and say that I did not talk about you to other people. But those people were there, witnesses to our relationship. They were not strangers in our story. And I always kept my stories clean. I told it as it was. I only say crap about you when I’m mad and majorly depressed, but then I’d take them back because I didn’t want other people to think of you in a bad, shitty way. Ask them. They’ll say I’m telling the truth and that it even pissed them off that I kept doing that. I took them back because it wasn’t their story to take part in. It was ours. Our story that I merely shared, tainting your fucking reputation just a teeny-weeny bit. Others even couldn’t believe that you’re such a fucking prick. You? You bloody ruined mine. My name has even been ‘verbified’!

I don’t really care about my reputation. But it bothers the shit-hell out of me that people who don’t know the whole story, my side, or anything about me at all would claim that I am those derogatory things that you implied through your recount of our story. I would never do that to you. Damn you, you bastard.

You had no damn right. You were the one who left me. You were the one who left me to suffer.. And you had to add to that by adding other people in the picture. I regret ever meeting you. I wish I had a do-over and decided to not go to the library that day. I wish you never stepped foot into my world. You don’t deserve a place in it. Not even as a fucking memory.

I can’t believe I let someone like you touch and kiss me the way you did. I feel like the stupidest and most pathetic girl in the world. And it seriously pisses me off that people think that you’re the saint and I’m the damn sinner. Fuck you. I wish you’d own up to the fact that you did use and take advantage of someone and left that person to rot. Too bad you haven’t grown your own pair of balls yet.

Thank you so very much for everything, you selfish, spineless, dirtbag, slimeball, lying, mother-fucking pathetic excuse for a man. You know who you are.

Such a mistake. Such a huge, big-assed, damn fucking mistake.

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Look at all the fucks I give.

by avrillorenzo

2012 is over, that part of my life is over. Life has given me a blank book to write on. The title of that book? You guessed it. 2013.

I’ve had my fair share of mishaps, screw-ups and heartaches last year. And quite frankly, I’m sick of it. The thought of all of the bad things that happened in 2012 makes me want to puke and ‘tsk’ myself a thousand times. I retraced my steps to figure out what lead to all the bad shit in my 2012. What I found made sense.

It was me. How I am (or was for that matter) led to all that fuckery and that led me to my new year resolutions. I will not completely divulge the information on here, but basically they will make a drastic change in me. It actually has already started, change.

I’ve had people tell me I was different, other than my new hair cut which is shit and that I lost weight (hello, progress). One even said that it was as if I had a male intervention over the Christmas vacation. No, I did not have a male intervention. That would be so wrong in so many levels. But, I am starting to grow some balls. Ha!

I actually started to stop giving fucks. Articulate. But seriously, I started to stop caring. From the steps I’ve retraced, there was a constant factor that lead to fuckery and even more fucked-up fuckery: caring. Caring about others. Putting them first. Forgetting about my own sanity and well-being just for others. Well, fuck that. I’m going to stop doing that. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not going to turn into a heartless bastard. That would be an insult to my dignity. I’d just care less and stop adjusting for people. Come to think of it, I’ve been adjusting for, like, ever and I guess I just reached my limit. So now, I’m standing up for myself.. Growing a backbone and a pair of balls.

I know that these changes that I’ve decided to pursue or to let happen could lead me losing friends. But here’s the irony: they say that friends would be there for you no matter who or what you are. That’s what they say, right? What they didn’t tell you is that once you get all cozy and comfortable and believe that, they’re going to start telling you things that they don’t like about you and subtly tell you that you need to adjust to suite their standards under the guise that this was your “other friends'” idea. Oh, what utter bullshit.

If you’re a friend, you’re a friend. You wouldn’t be friends with somebody in the first place if there wasn’t anything about the person that drew you to them, right? Sure, he/she has traits that drive you up the wall.. But keep in mind that they also have traits which keep you beside that person, that friend. You’d be there no matter what, no matter how much your friend changes. You’d be there and accept that change (change that happens out of natural and non-forced circumstances) and still be a friend. Come on, change is inevitable. You just have to get used to it. It happens to people.

I’d like to quote what Professor Parker Wilson said in the movie Hachiko. He asked his daughter’s boyfriend if he loved her. He said yes, of course. And this is what the professor replied..

“Good. Because that’s what you want to remember on the bad days.”

That does not just apply to couples. It applies to everyone you love, though I know that I didn’t really have to say that. Point of the matter is, no matter how shitty your friend could be on a certain day, always remember that he/she is your friend. That’s enough.

Speaking of enough, that’s enough for the “friend” rant. Back to the topic at hand.. Me. Narcissistic. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this year is for me: my needs, my wants, and my feelings all taken into consideration as much as the next person’s. I’m not going to be a total douchette and think of solely my wants and needs. I’ll probably give the exact amount of fucks between the others and myself. Well, I’ll give more of it to myself. 65% me, 35% them. Not always. Most of the time.

Hello, 2013. Hello, new me.

Screwed

by avrillorenzo

It was when I saw

the sun kissing the horizon goodbye,

full of promise of them meeting again;

the rain sacrificing itself to cool

the ground from the burns it

subjected itself just to feel the sun,

the heat seeping into its core;

the leaves falling from trees

with slow sways of hope

guided by wisps of wind

wishing that when they are shredded,

decomposed,

they will grow, live again,

in the arms of their tree..

 

It was when I saw things this way

that I knew

 

I was screwed.