I’ve been…

by avrillorenzo

I’ve been reading up on a lot of Thought Catalog posts recently. In some weird circumstance, I always find posts that relatively spoke of my situation until I found one that hit the spot. It’s the one I recently reblogged, the one before this entry. I don’t really want to explain what it was because I suck at explaining and you can read it if you like. That wasn’t what triggered me wanting to blog. No, I wanted to blog even before I came across that post. I just had to mention it, I guess, since I think this is gonna be about him. It’s related.

I’ve been listening to Ed Sheeran’s ‘Give me Love’ recently. I just downloaded it 6 days ago and it’s already got 51 plays. I thought it was one of those lovey-dovey songs. I’ve decided to listen to songs about the positive aspect of love as to aid me with whatever pathetic predicament I am in. I’m not really used to this. I usually prefer listening to songs that sing of the negative aspect of love as to appreciate the positive aspect of it more. I guess I’m taking a new approach. Well, this song spoke of the negative side and I can’t stop listening to it. Now, I’m pretty sure that this blog entry is going to be about him.

I’ve been avoiding thinking about him lately. It’s actually bad for me because I’m the type of person that needs to think/talk/listen to something so that I could get tired of it up to the point that I’ll think that it’s already irrelevant. So, yeah.. I’ve been avoiding thinking about him and talking about him which makes me think about him more. It’s getting really tiresome that I’m going around in circles with this but I can’t seem to find my way out of the route. Well, there is a way. But, sometimes I think I don’t want to take that route. I don’t know which stage of the ‘5 stages of grief’ I am in. I don’t want to think about it too much. I’d rather not and thus my current predicament.

I’ve been dreaming about him lately. It wouldn’t be solely a dream about him. He’d just pop out of nowhere. Like, I’d be walking down the street and he’d pass me by and say hi. That’s it. That’s his special appearance which bothers the hell out of me. Because I’ve successfully blocked him from my conscious state, but from my subconscious.. That’s another story and I hate it. Because I don’t have control over it anymore. Maybe it’s about time that I let thoughts of him consume me. That right there scares the crap out of me. I don’t want to go there; it seems like a dark place. I don’t have control. I hate not having control. I’m not a control-freak or anything.. I just need to have a grasp of things. But maybe this is what needs to happen. Not the whole of these consuming thoughts, just bits of it. So that has lead me to my current state.

I’ve been thinking about him lately.

I’ve been missing him lately.

I’ve been wanting to hear his voice lately.

But I won’t do anything about it, to appease that want. There are boundaries. Boundaries have been set. He set these boundaries and I am not going to breach them. Because despite the fact that this is happening to me, I’ve accepted that things will never be the same again. I guess I just have to let this happen. Think of him, talk about him, miss him and want him until the day that I don’t want to anymore.. Until the day that he completely becomes irrelevant.

And I think that’s going to happen soon. Think. Hope. Soon.