I wanted to write about you today.
I just got home from school. It was almost 3 in the afternoon. I didn’t want to do my homework yet. I have 3 days to do them so I decided to do things that didn’t involve school. I read this book of poems that I borrowed from my friend, read a few fan fictions and lingered around tumblr and twitter. All the while, I had my iTunes playing and on shuffle. Funny enough, just when I decided to go offline after I finish a few chapters of this one fan fiction I was reading, songs that reminded me of you played in succession. It creeped me out a little.
I found myself closing up web browsers and had a whole blank word document open and filling up my screen, the cursor waiting patiently for me to make it move. Closing my eyes, I waited for the words to come to me as I fill my ears with the tunes that spoke so much of you. They came, slowly. Every word. One by one. Just in phrases and never in sentences. The thoughts, the words didn’t flow out of me. They dripped. That never really happened before.
I had to stop and stare at what I’ve written. Just one paragraph and it took me a long time to get there. Almost 3 songs. That’s a long time for me, especially when I write about something or someone that has a pretty big impact on my life. I read the lines, the words, and I didn’t know how to react to them. It was as if the feelings that I’m trying to convey through words were felt a very long time ago, not 3 songs ago.
Different. The whole thing felt so different that I didn’t write anymore. I didn’t even save the word document. Then, I just stared at my wallpaper letting whatever it was that happened sink in before opening up the browsers I had up earlier.
I wanted to write about you today.. But I couldn’t. I guess, in a sense I wrote about you via this. But it’s not the same. Much like how it was when I wanted to write about you. It’s not the same..
And I think I don’t want it to be the way it was before again.