Stages of moving on: I think this is denial.
I wonder how I’d feel or think about myself every time I step out of my own entity and watch myself, curled up on the bed and crying my eyes out. I’d pity me. I’d feel sorry for me. Then, I’d find it pathetic and vouch never to be like that ever. But that’s the problem. I am like that… Like this.
It’s over. It really is.
It’s weird. I felt like I’ve been upset enough for it already even before it ever happened. 3 weeks. 3 weeks of uncertainty, of pain and tears. I bet if you actually knew me and saw everything, you’d think the same. I’ve been upset enough for the break-up even before it ever happened.
But now that it’s actually over, it seems as if it wasn’t enough. The only upside to this is that I know how to handle this phase, the break-up phase. I have steps or I know what to do to get by. So far, things are working. But, of course, there’s always a glitch. There’s never an easy way out of a break-up. Here’s the thing; I need to get really angry to fully move on. Because, for me, it’s in anger that I am able to release everything. And after that, I’m all good and ready to move on. The problem right now is that I don’t want to get angry.
Getting angry would mean that I am admitting that it actually is legitimately over between us. And yes, I think I’m still holding on. My friend’s are getting tired of it, actually because I could just relate every single thing to him. So yeah, I am holding on. Like it’s just my pinky finger hooked on him, but it’s hooked on right. And besides, I don’t want to get angry with him.
That’s one of my masochistic relationship problems. No matter how much I’ve been wronged in a relationship, I always find a way to put the blame on me. And I always do. For realizes. It’s crazy, I know. Well, that’s just how I’m wired I guess. That’s the reason why I have a hard time getting mad. And that’s why when I get mad; I know I’m over the whole thing.
But what do you do if you don’t want to?