Tired. I am. Finally. I’m exhausted to the point that there’s nothing I can do about anything.
It’s funny actually. I’ve blogged about how sad and depressed and shitty I felt and now I’m blogging about how I’ve come to terms with it. It’s as if I flipped the switch on my emotions. It’s not exactly that. I guess I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been going through this since last Monday. Yes, it’s been going on for that long.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t love me, that he didn’t actually love me. It’s really sad, I know. But it’s the truth. I’ve been resisting the truth since Wednesday. Since the ‘2 things’ blog post. And now that I’m all burnt-out, there’s no resistance to the acceptance. He never loved me. That’s it. Ok.
I guess the only thing that bothers me the most is the fact that we were friends before we became ‘lovers’. That he knew what I went through, what I’ve been through.. And for him to have me go through that again? It makes me think of things I shouldn’t be thinking about. That I was used, yet again.
Maybe that’s my worth. Maybe that’s what I am. Only to be used.
You can’t really blame me for my thoughts. I’m still in the depressed, sad, pathetic, woe-is-me bubble. I’ll get over it. I know. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. This is way worse than what has happened to me before. I usually know how to handle the pain and depression. But with him, with this.. I’m lost. I couldn’t understand the patterns. I’d just suddenly burst into tears and that everything I see triggers the thought of him. In a weird way, it showed me how much I actually feel for him. How much he means to me.
He made me feel like he was the one.
And I felt like he was. He was everything that I needed. We were in sync. He knew just what to do and what to say. There would be times when he’d just hug me and we’d stay like that for God knows how long because he just wanted to feel me. And there would be times that he would just stare at me and then he would say that he ‘loved’ me. Those moments, I needed them. They were what I needed. He was what I needed.
He fixed me. He made me see the world in colors again. He made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. And that happiness was what I wanted in life. He made me hope. He made me love. He didn’t break me. It was more of him destroying me.
I know that sounds too much, but it just seems that way. This pain, this magnitude of pain.. I’ve never felt it before. It’s the most painful thing I’ve felt in my life. I guess that makes sense. You can’t feel any sort of happiness without going through the same amount of pain. Life just sucks like that, not just with love.
So, yeah. I’ve come to terms with it. I don’t know how I’ll be after though.. And that’s what scares me the most. That I won’t be the same again. But I do know I’ll believe in love again. Not in the near future, no. A more distant one, probably. Love is just too wonderful a feeling to give up, and all the pain that comes with it is worth it. More so if it doesn’t end in goodbye.
I’ll love again. I know I’ll love again. I just don’t know when.
P.S. I didn’t cry while typing this blog entry.. Despite the sad song in the background. This song helped me though. It gave me that little spark of hope.