Of all the things, it’s the one you can’t avoid.
I rarely regret going online. Usually, I only regret it when I’m so busy and I have a lot of stuff to do and I choose to check my facebook or browse through 9gag and tumblr or watch videos on youtube. And I usually do that for hours and thus me being unproductive. But this time, that’s not the case. It’s a Sunday, for crying out tears. And classes won’t resume until Wednesday because of back-to-back holidays. Yaaaay for Holidays! So, yeah. I have time to kill. So why do I regret going online today?
Well, for one it reminds me of him. Sad, I know. Of all the things a person who hurt you could remind you of, it’s the one thing you can’t avoid using. But that’s not what makes it worse. When I saw my news feed on facebook, the first post I saw had his name and something that he crazy loves. It was one of those comic posts which I will now curse. Then, on tumblr, the first post I saw on my dashboard was a quote of some sort that relatively spoke the story of my life. And then with 9gag, I don’t have to tell you what post I saw that reminded me of him. The site itself did because he’s a 9gager. With youtube, I watched trailers of upcoming movies which he said we’ll see together.
I see him everywhere.
Then, just before I logged on my blog, I saw a few events posts on facebook that we were supposed to watch together. And it gravely saddens me that this reminds me of him. Why? Because it’s in the future. So, basically the future reminds me of him already.
Intense, isn’t it? Insane and creepy if you ask me. But, I don’t know. I can’t not think about him or have everything not remind me of him. But I don’t want things to be that way. I’m tired. Really, I am. I woke up tired, my eyes hot and my nose running. I checked if I have fever. Nope. None. Nada. Niente. Rien. Nein. I can’t even bring myself to head downstairs and eat. EAT. That’s a tell tale sign of the gravity of the whole situation. Eating is one of the things that make me happy no matter what. But now, I’m avoiding it. Like I don’t want to be happy.
Maybe I don’t. I don’t want to be happy without him. The kind of happiness I had when I was with him was the kind of happiness I’ve always wanted in life. That’s why I basked in it. I relished the whole feel of things while we were together. And now, considering my current predicament, I relished too much.
Right now, I’m listening to the playlist I made to remind me of how sad the whole thing is. I even gathered all the photos I have of us in one folder and hid it. But since I did the hiding, I know where to look and end up staring at the contents of the folder for a long time. My phone even reminds me of him because I used it excessively when we were “together”. I’m not much of a texter, but he made me one. And now I’m sort of in this withdrawal stage from texting since I’m giving him space for two weeks. Woah. A text addiction? How low can I get? I’m not even sure if I should turn my phone off or not when I know he won’t text me. But maybe, just maybe, he would.
Pathetic, I know. But I’d rather have a constant reminder of how fucked-up things are rather than delude myself that things will get better. Yes, I have the greatest gut feeling that things won’t get better. If anything, it’s slowly going downhill. It’s not prolonging the agony, no. It’s more of a gradual acceptance of things. That it was never what I thought it was and will be. I never got any assurance that things would get better, so yes, I assume the worst. I’m a pessimist like that.
But I’m still hoping though, just a little spark. Maybe of the two weeks we won’t talk, of the two weeks he’ll think, it’s all gonna be in my favor. Maybe these two weeks could strengthen what we have. That it will prove whatever it is that we have. But, of course it’s more of a speck of dust, the hope. But it still exists and I have that speck of dust somewhere where I won’t miss it.
The only thing I’m happy about is that I currently have no need to hurt myself. Just torture emotionally. I have this problem, you see, that involves sharp objects. There, you get the idea. At least I’m not doing that. Not yet, at least. I hope things won’t come to that.