Stubborn for all the masochistic reasons.

by avrillorenzo

Thoughts. They are of great use when you need them and a damn pain in the ass if you don’t want them. But we can’t avoid them, I guess. We think, therefore we have thoughts. I hate thinking right now.

Whoever said that the heart is at fault when someone is hurt? The heart just feels. It’s the mind that provides the references to what the heart feels. It’s your mind that triggers the pain. Let’s give the heart a break from the blame now, shall we? It’s the brain’s fault for thinking of things that bring us pain.

My brain is pretty much a douche right now. Aside from the fact that I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts together and forming damn coherent sentences in this blog entry of mine, it’s having a special screening of thoughts I don’t need right now. But maybe it’s my brain’s way of coping? I don’t know. I think it’s trying to exhaust everything. All the thoughts, all the feelings.. All the pain. But I’m not sure if it’s going to work, exhausting everything in one sitting. No. Maybe with my brain. But it’s never the same case with my heart. Ok. Now I’ve thought too much. Time for my heart to react to that.

Alright, here we go with the crappy pathetic rant in..

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I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong? I’ve always been the mistake. When will I ever be the right choice? When will I be enough? Am I meant to be loved? My friends say that I am. But, they’re my friends. Of course they’d say that. I’m not hating on them or anything. I’m actually grateful for my friends. It’s just hard not to think that way. I’ve been hurt. Rejected. A lot of times and all of them killed me.. But not like this. This hurts more than all the past rejections I’ve had combined. The magnitude of the pain is just unbearable. I can’t think right. All I can see when I close my eyes are the things that he did and all the things he said to me before I turned into a right bloody mess..

How he thinks he shouldn’t love me. How his feelings have changed. How he doesn’t want to love me anymore.

Why is that? Why would he not want to love me anymore? I didn’t do anything wrong. I just loved him. That’s it. Was I not supposed to? Maybe. But it was hard not to. There’s just something about him that takes my breath away. Some people say I shouldn’t have jumped into the water at once without thinking about the currents. The currents dragged me from place to place and now I’m lost. I never thought I’d feel this so soon. This pain. So much pain. Because he fixed me. He did. But he broke me again.

Maybe. Maybe he never really loved me. Maybe he just thought he did.

No matter how much I try and not think about it. I do.

No matter how much I try and not cry about it. I do.

No matter how much I try to be enough. I’m not. And I can’t help but wonder if I ever will be.

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