It’s 1:10 in the morning as I am typing this. Huh. I noticed that my blog entries usually have this vibe. Weird. Anyhoo. So, yeah.. I’m up and I’m not in my room. I’m currently not-sleeping-over at a friend’s place. It was like an out of the blue thing. Well, not exactly out of the blue. I’m not sure what to call it. But let’s just say that I was/am going through something and my friend thought it wasn’t good for me to be alone.. So she offered her place as my one-night residence with her.
Yes, I am currently going through something.. This is about mr. Upbeat, poppy summer songs on summer love. Funny. It’s been just a month since I met the dude and I’m already going through something because of him. Here’s the sitch: We’re unofficially together, but when people ask, we say we’re together. It’s official with my side of the world.. It’s not official with his side. This is all because of his ex-not-exactly-girlfriend-but-someone-sorta-like-that-but-without-the-title. They ended things and I came along.. And we’ve been inseparable ever since. And let’s just say things escalated quickly.
Things escalated quickly. Maybe that’s the problem. Here’s the deal:
He finally came around to thinking about the things that he did. Suffice to say, it was a bloody mess. Not just with him, but with those who suffered the consequences of his heedlessness. And yes, I am one of those who are suffering. I don’t know if he means them or if his thoughts are just so jumbled up that he isn’t aware of the things he says.. Things he says to me that seem to hurt me more than it should. He said things like:
“I feel so stupid. I didn’t think about my actions.”
“She said that if I waited, things would have been different.”
Well, what I heard was regret and hope. Yes, regret and hope for his ex. He even cried a lot. But I do understand that he’s supposed to feel that way. I mean, he was with her for 3 years. So, yeah. Go figure. They have a history that seems to be immensely precious to him. He cried a lot. I didn’t know what to do. And how does that make me feel? Worthless. How? Well, I failed to comfort him. Sure, maybe he needs time. But when I leave him alone, he sees it as if I’m avoiding him or neglecting him or something. I just don’t know what’s left of me that I could offer. I mean, I gave my all already to what we have. I know it was way too early for me to do so, but I couldn’t help it. I just feel so much for him. And despite the fact that I gave my all, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.
Hearing him cry about the whole guilt thing with the girl made me realize 2 things:
1. He still loves her.
2. He actually doesn’t love me.
Sucks to be me right now.