Musings

I feel as much as I think. I do both excessively.

Month: August, 2012

Misunderstanding to the point of relative insanity.

by avrillorenzo

So.. Apparently I’ve been upset for all the wrong reasons. Actually, I shouldn’t have been crazy upset.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is.. It’s all a big misunderstanding.

Sort of.

We talked earlier today — er, yesterday since it’s already 1 in the morning — and things were cleared out.. Relatively. Him asking for two weeks off from any form of contact with me was for him figuring himself out, not figuring who to choose. You couldn’t imagine my relief when he said that. So I told him why I was crazy upset over the weekend and stuff because my friend told him I’ve been crying like crazy over the weekend. And it wasn’t just for Saturday and Sunday since we had back-to-back holidays this week. So add two days to that. 4 days of hell. Anyhoo, I told him that I was crazy upset because I misunderstood and he did say things that would make you think that he was actually really breaking up with you.

Wait, he was. Sort of. When we had the conversation that lead to the ‘two weeks off’, breaking up was mentioned. Oh my God, my brain just won’t let me live this down. I’ll just blog about it anyway. I’ll berate myself later in this blog entry. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he didn’t say anything. After a few moments of silence, he asked me what I wanted. I told him I didn’t want him to leave me and then he said, ‘but, it’s complicated’. And then I sort of, relatively said, ‘please don’t leave me’ and cried. Gah. My pride. Seriously. But it doesn’t matter, all is fair in love and war.

So, yeah. I told him that he said things that made me think he was gonna leave me so I was crazy upset. When he cleared it out and I figured it wasn’t the case, I felt.. light. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Wow. I can’t believe I just said that. You’re probably thinking about the whole he doesn’t love me crap I’ve been spouting since the ‘2 things’ blog post. Maybe I said that because there hasn’t really been any form of assurance from his part that things will be fine after the whole two weeks thing. That was probably the main reason why I was driven crazy by my depression and over-thought things. I guess you really couldn’t blame me for that. What if you were in my shoes? Rejected and hurt over and over and for it to possibly happen again? You can’t help but be paranoid and shit.

But I sort of see the whole ‘insane upset’ phase as a good thing.. Because all the doubt and sadness and crap have been exhausted. Like, I’ve been upset enough for probably 3 future fights. 2 future fights. It’s like I’ve readied myself for the ‘non-existent’ looming break-up or something. Do you get me? I’m sorry. I can’t articulate the whole thing but I sure do hope you get the vibe of things.. Basically, I’m exhausted to the point that I’ve a clear mind about things and I can’t help but let the whole thing just.. happen. Like, que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. Yeah, exhausted to that extent.

When we were together toda–yesterday, I told him I missed him. Yes, even when we were together. It was because he felt so far away even though he was physically there. I told him I missed my sweet, adorable version of him. But that didn’t mean I didn’t love the other versions of him less. I just miss my sweet, adorable version of him because he was the one that’s gone astray. He said, ‘I know. And that bothers me, really’. That’s why he wanted the two weeks off to figure himself out. That made me smile, in a weird way. Because that sort of told me that he wants to come back to me. I don’t know if you see it that way but that’s how it came off to me.

I miss him. I really do.

I got my assurance in the form of an answer to a question. I know I sound pathetic but I asked him, ‘I still have you, right?’. You know what he said? He said, ‘you don’t have to worry about that’. Cue huge sigh of relief and crazy goofy grin. He even kept teasing me. Like, when he asked for the time off again, I asked if we were going to reset the whole thing and not count this week. And he was like, ‘Oh, we could do that? Ok. Another two weeks then.’. He kept tugging my chain because he found it funny, the way I reacted. Then he would be all like, ‘You’re so easy to fool.’ You can’t blame me. My chain’s easily tugged.

I had a little glimpse of my sweet, adorable version of him though. He gave me a little hug and a kiss on the cheek before he let me go. I then asked him if that was it, and he nodded. So, yeah.. I was pulling my hands away from his grasp and started making my way home. But, he suddenly pulled me to him and hugged me tight. And then, just before he let me go, he kissed me.

Assurance. Finally.

But I’m still a little scared. Because we won’t talk or text or see each other, but they’re texting again. I know I should think nothing of it, but.. I’m a little paranoid.

To crazy mothers and happy friends.

by avrillorenzo

Talking is one of the most helpful aids to getting rid of depression. Seriously.

I woke up today, and I cried. Mother fucking damn it. I cried again. And yes, I’m starting to hate on it so that’s a good sign. I’m moving on I guess. Well, sorta. Baby steps, no.. Fetus steps. (What?) So, yeah.. I cried. I ate breakfast and had a spoonful of Nutella for dessert so that lifted my spirits up a bit. Then, I went to the bathroom and saw my reflection. Suffice to say, I looked like hell. My eyes were red, a tad bit puffy and had dark circles surrounding them as if somebody punched me. And my face was blotchy so, yeah.. I looked like hell, which I’m not used to because when I cry, my face has this ability to morph back to normal the moment I stop sniffling. All traces of crying are gone. I think my face left the trace because it got tired of reverting back to normal when it knows that I’m gonna cry again an hour later. Damn it.

So, I decided to go online and one of my friends was online. We talked about my whole sitch again and it made me sad. But not as sad as yesterday and the day before, and the day before that. Just a little and that made me happy. Then, my mother messaged me on facebook and gave me advice and made me sound stupid and made me laugh like crazy. Yes, she made me sound stupid for getting all crazy depressed over a boy who I was with for a month. And it’s true. I feel stupid. Seriously. And I’m happy about it. Yes, I know I sound like a psycho now. I’m not though, I think. I’m just happy that I agree that I was stupid with the whole thing with the dude. Because when I agree with my mom, that means the old me is still around. There is hope.

I mentioned the convo I had with my friend and he’s all like, ‘why not combine the old Avril and the new one? You know, like an Avril hybrid or something. That’d be cool.’. He made me sound like a scary lab experiment. Heh. And yes, that was my reply. And this was his.. ‘I suck at explaining things. Point is, you shouldn’t try to go back to being the old Avril. I mean, yeah, she was cool and sorta badass but new Avril has some good qualities too. She’s nicer and laughs more. So…why not take both and make a happy yet badass Avril? Er…Wait. What I’m trying to say is, don’t go back, move forward. There. I think I got it right that time.’ He’s right. I guess the hybrid me would work. We talked a bit more about it and I sounded like my old self again, a calmer, less meaner version.

And after that, it was like things were back to normal again, though only for a short while. Just a little snippet of the old me and the normal world. Like my mom making me laugh like crazy with the bickering that we do and the frenchified convos with friends. But that was enough to help me accept things and have the will to move on. Have the will. Have the hope.

If I keep this up, I know that when the time comes when he officially ends it, I wouldn’t be much of a mess as I would have been. I would be calm and have a relatively clear state of mind. I’d have control over my feelings and the things that I’m going to say. I’ll be mature about the whole deal and things will be fine.

Yes, things will be alright. I’ll be alright.

Happy thoughts.

Burnt-out.

by avrillorenzo

Tired. I am. Finally. I’m exhausted to the point that there’s nothing I can do about anything.

It’s funny actually. I’ve blogged about how sad and depressed and shitty I felt and now I’m blogging about how I’ve come to terms with it. It’s as if I flipped the switch on my emotions. It’s not exactly that. I guess I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been going through this since last Monday. Yes, it’s been going on for that long.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t love me, that he didn’t actually love me. It’s really sad, I know. But it’s the truth. I’ve been resisting the truth since Wednesday. Since the ‘2 things’ blog post. And now that I’m all burnt-out, there’s no resistance to the acceptance. He never loved me. That’s it. Ok.

I guess the only thing that bothers me the most is the fact that we were friends before we became ‘lovers’. That he knew what I went through, what I’ve been through.. And for him to have me go through that again? It makes me think of things I shouldn’t be thinking about. That I was used, yet again.

Maybe that’s my worth. Maybe that’s what I am. Only to be used.

You can’t really blame me for my thoughts. I’m still in the depressed, sad, pathetic, woe-is-me bubble. I’ll get over it. I know. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. This is way worse than what has happened to me before. I usually know how to handle the pain and depression. But with him, with this.. I’m lost. I couldn’t understand the patterns. I’d just suddenly burst into tears and that everything I see triggers the thought of him. In a weird way, it showed me how much I actually feel for him. How much he means to me.

He made me feel like he was the one.

And I felt like he was. He was everything that I needed. We were in sync. He knew just what to do and what to say. There would be times when he’d just hug me and we’d stay like that for God knows how long because he just wanted to feel me. And there would be times that he would just stare at me and then he would say that he ‘loved’ me. Those moments, I needed them. They were what I needed. He was what I needed.

He fixed me. He made me see the world in colors again. He made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. And that happiness was what I wanted in life. He made me hope. He made me love. He didn’t break me. It was more of him destroying me.

I know that sounds too much, but it just seems that way. This pain, this magnitude of pain.. I’ve never felt it before. It’s the most painful thing I’ve felt in my  life. I guess that makes sense. You can’t feel any sort of happiness without going through the same amount of pain. Life just sucks like that, not just with love.

So, yeah. I’ve come to terms with it. I don’t know how I’ll be after though.. And that’s what scares me the most. That I won’t be the same again. But I do know I’ll believe in love again. Not in the near future, no. A more distant one, probably. Love is just too wonderful a feeling to give up, and all the pain that comes with it is worth it. More so if it doesn’t end in goodbye.

I’ll love again. I know I’ll love again. I just don’t know when.

P.S. I didn’t cry while typing this blog entry.. Despite the sad song in the background. This song helped me though. It gave me that little spark of hope.

Of all the things, it’s the one you can’t avoid.

by avrillorenzo

I rarely regret going online. Usually, I only regret it when I’m so busy and I have a lot of stuff to do and I choose to check my facebook or browse through 9gag and tumblr or watch videos on youtube. And I usually do that for hours and thus me being unproductive. But this time, that’s not the case. It’s a Sunday, for crying out tears. And classes won’t resume until Wednesday because of back-to-back holidays. Yaaaay for Holidays! So, yeah. I have time to kill. So why do I regret going online today?

Well, for one it reminds me of him. Sad, I know. Of all the things a person who hurt you could remind you of, it’s the one thing you can’t avoid using. But that’s not what makes it worse. When I saw my news feed on facebook, the first post I saw had his name and something that he crazy loves. It was one of those comic posts which I will now curse. Then, on tumblr, the first post I saw on my dashboard was a quote of some sort that relatively spoke the story of my life. And then with 9gag, I don’t have to tell you what post I saw that reminded me of him. The site itself did because he’s a 9gager. With youtube, I watched trailers of upcoming movies which he said we’ll see together.

I see him everywhere.

Then, just before I logged on my blog, I saw a few events posts on facebook that we were supposed to watch together. And it gravely saddens me that this reminds me of him. Why? Because it’s in the future. So, basically the future reminds me of him already.

Intense, isn’t it? Insane and creepy if you ask me. But, I don’t know. I can’t not think about him or have everything not remind me of him. But I don’t want things to be that way. I’m tired. Really, I am. I woke up tired, my eyes hot and my nose running. I checked if I have fever. Nope. None. Nada. Niente. Rien. Nein. I can’t even bring myself to head downstairs and eat. EAT. That’s a tell tale sign of the gravity of the whole situation. Eating is one of the things that make me happy no matter what. But now, I’m avoiding it. Like I don’t want to be happy.

Maybe I don’t. I don’t want to be happy without him. The kind of happiness I had when I was with him was the kind of happiness I’ve always wanted in life. That’s why I basked in it. I relished the whole feel of things while we were together. And now, considering my current predicament, I relished too much.

Right now, I’m listening to the playlist I made to remind me of how sad the whole thing is. I even gathered all the photos I have of us in one folder and hid it. But since I did the hiding, I know where to look and end up staring at the contents of the folder for a long time. My phone even reminds me of him because I used it excessively when we were “together”. I’m not much of a texter, but he made me one. And now I’m sort of in this withdrawal stage from texting since I’m giving him space for two weeks. Woah. A text addiction? How low can I get? I’m not even sure if I should turn my phone off or not when I know he won’t text me. But maybe, just maybe, he would.

Pathetic, I know. But I’d rather have a constant reminder of how fucked-up things are rather than delude myself that things will get better. Yes, I have the greatest gut feeling that things won’t get better. If anything, it’s slowly going downhill. It’s not prolonging the agony, no. It’s more of a gradual acceptance of things. That it was never what I thought it was and will be. I never got any assurance that things would get better, so yes, I assume the worst. I’m a pessimist like that.

But I’m still hoping though, just a little spark. Maybe of the two weeks we won’t talk, of the two weeks he’ll think, it’s all gonna be in my favor. Maybe these two weeks could strengthen what we have. That it will prove whatever it is that we have. But, of course it’s more of a speck of dust, the hope. But it still exists and I have that speck of dust somewhere where I won’t miss it.

The only thing I’m happy about is that I currently have no need to hurt myself. Just torture emotionally. I have this problem, you see, that involves sharp objects. There, you get the idea. At least I’m not doing that. Not yet, at least. I hope things won’t come to that.

Stubborn for all the masochistic reasons.

by avrillorenzo

Thoughts. They are of great use when you need them and a damn pain in the ass if you don’t want them. But we can’t avoid them, I guess. We think, therefore we have thoughts. I hate thinking right now.

Whoever said that the heart is at fault when someone is hurt? The heart just feels. It’s the mind that provides the references to what the heart feels. It’s your mind that triggers the pain. Let’s give the heart a break from the blame now, shall we? It’s the brain’s fault for thinking of things that bring us pain.

My brain is pretty much a douche right now. Aside from the fact that I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts together and forming damn coherent sentences in this blog entry of mine, it’s having a special screening of thoughts I don’t need right now. But maybe it’s my brain’s way of coping? I don’t know. I think it’s trying to exhaust everything. All the thoughts, all the feelings.. All the pain. But I’m not sure if it’s going to work, exhausting everything in one sitting. No. Maybe with my brain. But it’s never the same case with my heart. Ok. Now I’ve thought too much. Time for my heart to react to that.

Alright, here we go with the crappy pathetic rant in..

3

2

1

I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong? I’ve always been the mistake. When will I ever be the right choice? When will I be enough? Am I meant to be loved? My friends say that I am. But, they’re my friends. Of course they’d say that. I’m not hating on them or anything. I’m actually grateful for my friends. It’s just hard not to think that way. I’ve been hurt. Rejected. A lot of times and all of them killed me.. But not like this. This hurts more than all the past rejections I’ve had combined. The magnitude of the pain is just unbearable. I can’t think right. All I can see when I close my eyes are the things that he did and all the things he said to me before I turned into a right bloody mess..

How he thinks he shouldn’t love me. How his feelings have changed. How he doesn’t want to love me anymore.

Why is that? Why would he not want to love me anymore? I didn’t do anything wrong. I just loved him. That’s it. Was I not supposed to? Maybe. But it was hard not to. There’s just something about him that takes my breath away. Some people say I shouldn’t have jumped into the water at once without thinking about the currents. The currents dragged me from place to place and now I’m lost. I never thought I’d feel this so soon. This pain. So much pain. Because he fixed me. He did. But he broke me again.

Maybe. Maybe he never really loved me. Maybe he just thought he did.

No matter how much I try and not think about it. I do.

No matter how much I try and not cry about it. I do.

No matter how much I try to be enough. I’m not. And I can’t help but wonder if I ever will be.

2 things.

by avrillorenzo

It’s 1:10 in the morning as I am typing this. Huh. I noticed that my blog entries usually have this vibe. Weird. Anyhoo. So, yeah.. I’m up and I’m not in my room. I’m currently not-sleeping-over at a friend’s place. It was like an out of the blue thing. Well, not exactly out of the blue. I’m not sure what to call it. But let’s just say that I was/am going through something and my friend thought it wasn’t good for me to be alone.. So she offered her place as my one-night residence with her.

Yes, I am currently going through something.. This is about mr. Upbeat, poppy summer songs on summer love. Funny. It’s been just a month since I met the dude and I’m already going through something because of him. Here’s the sitch: We’re unofficially together, but when people ask, we say we’re together. It’s official with my side of the world.. It’s not official with his side. This is all because of his ex-not-exactly-girlfriend-but-someone-sorta-like-that-but-without-the-title. They ended things and I came along.. And we’ve been inseparable ever since. And let’s just say things escalated quickly.

Things escalated quickly. Maybe that’s the problem. Here’s the deal:

He finally came around to thinking about the things that he did. Suffice to say, it was a bloody mess. Not just with him, but with those who suffered the consequences of his heedlessness. And yes, I am one of those who are suffering. I don’t know if he means them or if his thoughts are just so jumbled up that he isn’t aware of the things he says.. Things he says to me that seem to hurt me more than it should. He said things like:

“I feel so stupid. I didn’t think about my actions.”

“She said that if I waited, things would have been different.”

Well, what I heard was regret and hope. Yes, regret and hope for his ex. He even cried a lot. But I do understand that he’s supposed to feel that way. I mean, he was with her for 3 years. So, yeah. Go figure. They have a history that seems to be immensely precious to him. He cried a lot. I didn’t know what to do. And how does that make me feel? Worthless. How? Well, I failed to comfort him. Sure, maybe he needs time. But when I leave him alone, he sees it as if I’m avoiding him or neglecting him or something. I just don’t know what’s left of me that I could offer. I mean, I gave my all already to what we have. I know it was way too early for me to do so, but I couldn’t help it. I just feel so much for him. And despite the fact that I gave my all, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.

Hearing him cry about the whole guilt thing with the girl made me realize 2 things:

1. He still loves her.

2. He actually doesn’t love me.

Sucks to be me right now.