So.. Apparently I’ve been upset for all the wrong reasons. Actually, I shouldn’t have been crazy upset.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is.. It’s all a big misunderstanding.
We talked earlier today — er, yesterday since it’s already 1 in the morning — and things were cleared out.. Relatively. Him asking for two weeks off from any form of contact with me was for him figuring himself out, not figuring who to choose. You couldn’t imagine my relief when he said that. So I told him why I was crazy upset over the weekend and stuff because my friend told him I’ve been crying like crazy over the weekend. And it wasn’t just for Saturday and Sunday since we had back-to-back holidays this week. So add two days to that. 4 days of hell. Anyhoo, I told him that I was crazy upset because I misunderstood and he did say things that would make you think that he was actually really breaking up with you.
Wait, he was. Sort of. When we had the conversation that lead to the ‘two weeks off’, breaking up was mentioned. Oh my God, my brain just won’t let me live this down. I’ll just blog about it anyway. I’ll berate myself later in this blog entry. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he didn’t say anything. After a few moments of silence, he asked me what I wanted. I told him I didn’t want him to leave me and then he said, ‘but, it’s complicated’. And then I sort of, relatively said, ‘please don’t leave me’ and cried. Gah. My pride. Seriously. But it doesn’t matter, all is fair in love and war.
So, yeah. I told him that he said things that made me think he was gonna leave me so I was crazy upset. When he cleared it out and I figured it wasn’t the case, I felt.. light. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Wow. I can’t believe I just said that. You’re probably thinking about the whole he doesn’t love me crap I’ve been spouting since the ‘2 things’ blog post. Maybe I said that because there hasn’t really been any form of assurance from his part that things will be fine after the whole two weeks thing. That was probably the main reason why I was driven crazy by my depression and over-thought things. I guess you really couldn’t blame me for that. What if you were in my shoes? Rejected and hurt over and over and for it to possibly happen again? You can’t help but be paranoid and shit.
But I sort of see the whole ‘insane upset’ phase as a good thing.. Because all the doubt and sadness and crap have been exhausted. Like, I’ve been upset enough for probably 3 future fights. 2 future fights. It’s like I’ve readied myself for the ‘non-existent’ looming break-up or something. Do you get me? I’m sorry. I can’t articulate the whole thing but I sure do hope you get the vibe of things.. Basically, I’m exhausted to the point that I’ve a clear mind about things and I can’t help but let the whole thing just.. happen. Like, que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. Yeah, exhausted to that extent.
When we were together toda–yesterday, I told him I missed him. Yes, even when we were together. It was because he felt so far away even though he was physically there. I told him I missed my sweet, adorable version of him. But that didn’t mean I didn’t love the other versions of him less. I just miss my sweet, adorable version of him because he was the one that’s gone astray. He said, ‘I know. And that bothers me, really’. That’s why he wanted the two weeks off to figure himself out. That made me smile, in a weird way. Because that sort of told me that he wants to come back to me. I don’t know if you see it that way but that’s how it came off to me.
I miss him. I really do.
I got my assurance in the form of an answer to a question. I know I sound pathetic but I asked him, ‘I still have you, right?’. You know what he said? He said, ‘you don’t have to worry about that’. Cue huge sigh of relief and crazy goofy grin. He even kept teasing me. Like, when he asked for the time off again, I asked if we were going to reset the whole thing and not count this week. And he was like, ‘Oh, we could do that? Ok. Another two weeks then.’. He kept tugging my chain because he found it funny, the way I reacted. Then he would be all like, ‘You’re so easy to fool.’ You can’t blame me. My chain’s easily tugged.
I had a little glimpse of my sweet, adorable version of him though. He gave me a little hug and a kiss on the cheek before he let me go. I then asked him if that was it, and he nodded. So, yeah.. I was pulling my hands away from his grasp and started making my way home. But, he suddenly pulled me to him and hugged me tight. And then, just before he let me go, he kissed me.
But I’m still a little scared. Because we won’t talk or text or see each other, but they’re texting again. I know I should think nothing of it, but.. I’m a little paranoid.