Musings

I feel as much as I think. I do both excessively.

Month: May, 2012

Unfinishe-

by avrillorenzo

It’s 3:30 in the afternoon and I just noticed the sun. I’m sitting in front of my desk, waiting for the crappy Internet connection to come back. My desk is directly in front of the window, so I basically have the view of the outside world. There’s the writer vibe hovering around me as I stare at the sun that I saw for the first time today. When I woke up, the sky was pretty much covered with gray rain clouds. It was a relatively gloomy day. It wasn’t as dark as I wanted it to be because the sun made sure to make its presence known by making the sky bright despite the gray clouds. Now, those clouds are just hovering around while the sun decides to claim its stage again.

I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now. All I know is that the sun finally showing up made me want to start writing, or as I would like to call it, talking to myself in my head and pretending that I’m a different person. It sounds like what a socially awkward person would do, right? Well. I am that so I guess whatever I’m doing fits. But that fact still remains, I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.

You can say I’m a little out of sorts recently. I’m at that place again where I don’t know what to feel so I don’t feel at all. I choose not to feel. I had a person encounter this side of me and even called me heartless. Maybe I am. But I’m not. I can’t possibly be heartless since this is just a ‘place’ I go to on certain circumstances. I guess I just have the skill to turn off my heart once in a while. I was thinking of using emotion instead of heart. But numb is an emotion so I guess it won’t count.

If I were to explain how I’m feeling right now, only one word can pretty much explain things. Floating. I feel like I’m floating. I’m not particularly latched on to one feeling thus me being non-feeling. It’s like my vision is pretty much blurred and I’m walking down the road I call my life. Basically, I’m wrapped in uncertainty right now. Confused.

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Do You Still Think Of Me?

by avrillorenzo

I stood at the far corner of the room. The flicking of the candle light at my periphery served as my momentary distraction. My escape from the scene right in front of me.. Her.. After more than a year, still glowing in her own light, finally with me in the same room. At least, that’s what I think.

There was somebody else.. She’s with somebody else. The guy that was probably better than me.

The one that deserved her more.

She was introducing him to the rest of our friends. Our friends who believed that we would have made it past forever.

I walked out to the cold streets, with a bottle of beer in one hand. The other is shoved down my coat’s pocket, looking for something to pass the time.. Alas, I find the case. I grabbed one stick and lit it with the lighter after I put the case back in my pocket. I breathe it in and close my eyes.. I let the sensation of smoke fill me when I felt a tap on my shoulder..

“Can I have one?..”

She reached for my pocket and grabbed the case.. She then looked for the lighter.

She let out a ball of smoke and looked relieved..

“How are you?..”

I stared. Why would she care? After all that happened.

“Say something..”

It came as a whisper as she bowed her head down, hiding behind her long hair.. Now a curtain to her beautiful face. I threw my stick away and chugged down the remaining beer. I heard a muffled sob and I wished I never came to the party. I cupped her face, urging her to look up at me..

Her eyes that meant the world, now brimming with tears. I hated seeing her cry.. So I closed my eyes and pulled her close by the hand. She seemed to have dropped her stick for both her hands were free to hold mine.

“I wish you stayed. I wish I never reached the point when I’d have to fight.” I said.

“Why? What have you got to lose if you fought?”

“You. But I lost either way.”

I looked at her, looking defeated. She looked back at me, equally defeated. Then, we just stood there. Looking at each other, her hands in mine. After a while, she finally let me go. I hailed a cab and bid her goodbye. I looked out from the cab and saw her still standing there. But she wasn’t alone. She finally had her coat on and her man with his hands on her shoulders. The moment that he touched her, her mood changed. I can tell from a distance that her face lit up. Her eyes brighter and her lips forming to an ever glorious smile. I turned away, feeling the most defeated I’ve been ever since it ended. Recalling my last moments with the her that was once mine made me realize that I really shouldn’t have come to the party. I asked her one final question, the question that made it hard to breathe in anticipation of the answer. I asked her one final question and lost all the hope I had left for her.

“Do you still think of me?”

It was then that she let go of my hands and stepped back.

“No.”

Fa La La (A Capella). I swoon.

by avrillorenzo

It’s pretty obvious that it’s not Christmas right now. But as I was lurking around youtube, I came across a song (video rather) that seriously got my attention. It’s Fa La La (A Capella) by Justin Bieber featuring Boyz II Men. The song is part of Justin Bieber’s Christmas album “Mistletoe”.

I’ve heard of this song before… And as you may have figured, it was during the Christmas season. I fell in love with the song because of Boyz II Men. No offense meant to Justin Bieber. Well, maybe a little. I feel like the song had more feeling to it when they sang part of it. Justin may be great in a few occasions, but I think that won’t be enough to make such a song so special. Yes, I used special because it makes me feel that it is. It surely did make my Christmas more special-y. Moving on.. Yeah. I fell in love with the song because of the soulful melodies courtesy of the aforementioned American Rn’B vocal group from the late 80’s to present date. And now that there’s an official A Capella version, my heart just melted.

If you were just randomly travelling or sitting in a coffee shop and you hear the A Capella version and you had no idea of what song was playing, you’d get goosebumps. I don’t know about you, but I did. And I already know the song. You won’t get them during the first seconds of the song since you won’t hear Boyz II Men. But by 0:19.. Holy mother of pearl. I just had to stop whatever I was doing when I heard this song and focus on their harmony. Seriously. They are just awesome.

I loved the A Capella version so much that I ended up looking for songs that these men sang in A Capella. I found a few and I’m over flowing with good vibes. Nothing could dampen my day. But if there was something that would do so, I’d just listen to Boyz II Men and get my groove back on.

I’d listen to this song even if it’s not Christmas. I am, actually.. Listening. Right now. Fa La La~

Where do I begin?

by avrillorenzo

Finally! I am blogging.

Well, that’s a great way to start my first blog post. Should I introduce myself? I think I should.

My name is April. I’m 19 and find it hard to admit that it’s the last year of my teen-hood. Yes, I am mainstream like that. But more importantly, I am trying to improve myself by reading and listening to music. Include writing (e.g. blogging) on my ways of self-improvement list. I don’t just listen to ‘surface’ music and read ‘surface’ books. I’m trying to get into real deep shit. Oh, I cuss too. Not a lot, but I do. I also tend to be incoherent with my thoughts thus the sometimes irrelevant set of sentences in a paragraph.

Notice the term ‘surface’? That’s how I call mainstream materials. And before you go jumping to conclusions that I am a wannabe hipster, I am not. But don’t go assuming that I am anti-hipster, I am not.

You can say that I’m a fan of disclaimers. Maybe it’s me being defensive. Maybe that’s just how I roll. The latter, I guess, is closer to the truth.

Ok. That’s a pretty brief introduction, yea? I’d rather not describe myself in detail in just one post. Those details would probably appear in future posts. Be it in a vanity statement or a disclaimer, you’ll pretty much get to know me better then.

Regarding this blog:
I’ll pretty much write (a.k.a. type) random things. So, yeah.. Let’s see where blogging leads me to.